Haldol, take me away!

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Have you ever hallucinated (or THOUGHT you were hallucinating)? I thought I was yesterday, and let me tell you, it was terrifying and exhillerating both at the same time.

Although I don't talk about it so much here in the Shark Tank, I have been having some difficulty dealing with losing my Zoe. I have been avoiding going home at night (the house is big and empty), and when I do finally go home I'm having a hard time going to sleep. I didn't realize how much a part of my life she was, and how much my daily routines were dependent on her.

Fortunately for me, I have wonderful friends (NANCY) and family who have been exceptionally supportive and kind enough to let me talk about my feelings without judging me, trying to fix me, or just telling me to 'get over it'. I consider myself so blessed.

Knowing my troubles, though, you can now appreciate the following scenario: I went straight to the HomeD pot last night after work in an effort to defeat the indecision that has prevented me thus far from getting new carpet (ok, the truth was that I was delaying the inevitible return to the empty house, but I have narrowed down the carpet selection to 2 choices, so I'm making progress). When I came home around 10 p.m. I came in, changed into my jammies, grabbed my book and sat down to read in my favorite chair. Finally around 1:30 a.m. I decided that actually going to sleep in the bed was better than nodding off in the chair, so I got up, turned off the lights and the tele and headed into the bedroom.

As I got to the bedroom, the only light that was on was the overhead in the hallway. I don't like to turn on the overhead light in my bedroom right before bedtime because it just makes me want to sit up and read some more. I started to walk over to the bedside table to flip on the lamp, and I noticed a big black shape laying across my bed. I remember thinking that I hadn't thrown any clothes on the bed before I left that morning, so I let my eyes adjust to the dark to try and figure out what the thing was. To my utter surprise, shock, elation and horror I saw a little black face staring at me from Zoe's spot on the bed.

I honestly couldn't believe what was happening. I felt a little light-headed and confused and for just a second I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I thought immediately of people reporting seeing their loved ones after they had passed, but it seemed so crazy that it was happening to me. It looked like Zoe and it was laying in her spot, but I was afraid to move closer because I didn't want to scare it away (if indeed it turned out that I hadn't just rounded the bend that puts you in the "asylum-qualifying" category). Instead, I gently said, "Zoe?" Zoe, it's ok baby, it's mama. Oh baby, I can see you! Come here sweetheart." Of course I had tears streaming down my face and I was praising the graces for the this one last gift.

When the vision didn't move, it occurred to me to turn on the overhead light. This is what was on my bed:


Turns out that my mum thought that something cuddly would make me feel a little bit better (it has!), but although she anticipated I would cry a little, she never dreamed I wouldn't turn on the light when I put my jammies on!!

I still get a little start from time to time when I come around the corner to see him, but I'm starting to get used the little fellow. He's no Zoe, but he sure does give a great hug.

17 comments

buddha_girl said...

That story is absolutely priceless. I'd like to think that there's a little of Zoe hanging out in that stuffed pooch. Hard hugs to your mum for being so thoughtful...as for the Haldol...hell, sister, we've all had "cripes moments" in our lives. No Haldol necessary. Just feel it...go with it. We're here for you!

4:57 PM
Reg said...

Ugh! Now I have to go redo my make up before going to work. Damn it you make cry!!! But kudos to your mom for coming through with what was needed.

5:05 PM
Sam said...

I have had some hallucinations, remember one where i saw a squirrel with an exceptionally large head, but that was the only hallucination. Sometimes have some surreal thoughts which are around in my archives somewhere. I have a strange fascination with surrealism and the dark. I have odd thoughts and try to see them, but not really hallucinations. I think you must really love your pet.

6:33 PM
Zoe said...

Rocky,

Grieving is different for everybody. People said I was so strong at RJ's funeral. I wasn't strong I was drugged. I was drugged on Atavan for days. It's been two years and the grief comes in waves. I can for days be OK...then just like that I'm grieving. You cry and feel however you want and whoever tells you to get over it should be shot.
On sight.

Take care of you.

I have come to depend on your stories for comfort.

Like I said before your Mom Rocks!

7:45 PM

wow how terrific of your mom..and I know in doggie heaven zoe is laughing her ass off at you...arf arf bark

9:07 PM
Big Pissy said...

Awwwww...that story is so touching. That was such a sweet thing for your mom to do.

Grieve however you need to. People telling you to just get over it don't know what they're talking about.

*hugs*

Pissy

11:28 PM
leo myshkin said...

after rocket passed away i swear i saw her image for about 2 years. i would be just sitting staring into space and there she would be.

1:11 PM
Beansidhe said...

Hi there :)

Thanks for your comment on my blog. Yep, the squirrely dude in my avatar is indeed Foamy The Squirrel, the same one who has issues with the indian help desk guy. On my blog there's a link to Foamy's home page where you can find all his other 'toons.

He has issues with just about everything, which is why I likes him *grin*

2:06 PM
Lauren said...

What a great thing your mother did. I had a very hard time getting over the loss of my Boris. . . I still miss that big butthead!! He meant the world to me. . .

Hope you are having great day.

HUGGSS!!

4:35 PM
Rocky (Racquel) said...

I agree with everybody - I got a great mom in the mom lottery. And JS is right - once I got over the freak out, the whole incident was pretty hilarious. :-)

5:51 PM
Lauren said...

I called him "Butthead" for a reason Rocky. . .LOL!!! I'll have to tell the LAMP story someday soon. . . He used up about 4 of his 9 lives that day. . .

6:26 PM
soonerfan78 said...

I agree with J.S. as well, but that would have scared the dogshit out of me, I'm easily nervous. Thank you again for the kind remarks on my blog, you will learn that I am a deviant butthead at best, but tonite I have the luxury to ACTUALLY read and comment on others as well.

7:44 PM
chattymoon2012 said...

Jan 31st it will be 5 years since my Peanut passed. I remember this day every year and it still makes me tear up. I have a picture of her in a large frame, and each year I get an appropriate card and cut the flowers out and attach them to the frame.You see my Lady's picture for my avatar.I loved my Peanut (she had many health issues) so much that I knew when I felt up to it she would want me to look after another as I looked after her. I want to blog about it on that day and even after all these years it will be difficult. Your mother is a very wise lady, she knew what would comfort you. You talk about Zoe and we will listen and understand, because we are all animal lovers here and we all know what it is to deal with the pain when they go to the Summerlands.hugz, Linda

8:08 PM
Lauren said...

Thank you Rocky. . . I'll check that out. I'm always interested in TG topics. . .

To answer your question, yes, they are pretty much the same thing. I'm going to start posting a rather lengthy article on my other blog (see my links) in the next day or so. . . I guess I didn't realize how little many people really know about the TG community. . .

Love ya!!!

HUGGSS!!

8:10 PM
texlahoma said...

I lost a dog that was very special to me a few years ago. I'm suppose to be a big tough man but I cried like a baby. He was a frisbee dog,knocked over a beer when he was a pup and drank some he loved it. If I was drinking beer and he wanted some, he would drop a frisbee upsidedown in front of me.

8:24 PM
Katrina said...

Awwww that story is so cute! I would probably do the same thing. Take care and maybe think about getting a Zoe JR. Just a thought, I know I would want a new dog right away - just to ease the sorrow.

11:03 AM
Jane D'oh said...

I am way behind on blog reading!!
Awhhhhh...how sweet of your mom!!!
I remember going through that of expecting to see my cat JJ do his normal everyday things, but he wasn't there anymore. He always slept curled up next to me. I still miss that.
Hold the memories close to your heart and Zoe is there.

2:27 AM