The Shark Tank

Disappointing

2011-06-23T11:07:00.000-05:00

But not surprising. Walked on this very street when I was in Belfast and the tension was palpable.

Glad I'm home safe but praying for the safety of everyone and hoping some sense is knocked into those who would rather go back to the past than work for a peaceful future. This kind of activity accomplishes nothing, in my humble opinion.

Encountering the Locals

2011-06-16T13:42:00.001-05:00

As I may have mentioned, I had a great time on my holiday to Northern Ireland & Ireland. I took a ridiculous amount of photos and I wish I could blather on and on without all of you getting bored or their computers crashing from too many photos loading. Alas, I'll have to give you the condensed travelogue to save us all time and friendships. ;-)

BTW, thanks for the nice comments under my previous post. Due to my unfortunate inconsistency in posting I sometimes wonder if there is anyone even out there. Appreciate seeing there are still a few of you popping in from time to time!

So since Northern Ireland is where I first landed on the Island, Belfast seems the perfect spot to start. In a moment of pure brilliance or complete insanity (both perhaps?), in my pre-trip itinerary planning I decided that the right way to get about was by automobile. I was aware prior to my departure that unlike here in the US, vehicles travel on the left side of the road (I have seen National Lampoon's European Vacation, after all) and so I fretted about it for days before we left. Nonetheless, I hopped off the plane, passed through immigration/customs and then confidently sidled up to the Hertz counter to get this beautiful specimen of motor vehicle engineering and technology:

Our wee blue Ka

Yes, it's a tiny Ford Ka "Edge" complete with 4 wheels, 2 seats, half of a backseat and a trunk that fit 2 (count 'em - two) carry on bags. I splurged, though, and paid extra for the SatNav package to keep my one-grade-up-from-a-pony cart going in the right direction. Although we say "GPS" in America, I'll forever now call it a SatNav. Much sexier - especially when drivin' a wee blue Ka. :-)

But I digress. So my fears were completely founded and since we were too terrified to actually scream (not sure whether that is a commentary on the roads there or my general driving skills, however), I slowly and quietly made my way out of the airport parking lot to the main road. I happened to have placed my video camera in the dashboard and have a lovely recording of the first 3.3 miles of my successful navigation of the motorway without hitting a single pedestrian or sheep. I would actually share it with you but at 3.3 miles we encountered our first local (while the tape was still rolling):

Hello Mr. Poli!

Out of respect for Mr. Garda Officer I won't post the tape in case there is any personally identifying information he may have revealed, but I will say that he was invaringly polite and professional. Turns out that the Garda has this neat trick where they can scan your license plate and see if you have the mandatory insurance or not! Apparently the dear lady at Hertz hadn't yet gotten around to typing into the system that we had indeed paid out an arm, a leg and a promise of my first-born for the "meets basic requirements" insurance package. I realized only after-the-fact that in addition to the SatNav package I should have also splurged on some adult diapers. ;-)

After we bid farewells to our welcoming committee (no ticket since I had a receipt from Hertz) we headed into the city rather uneventfully (other than jumping 3-5 left-side curbs, but who has left-side curbs on a highway anyway!?!?). We finally arrived at The Europa, our hotel in the Great Victoria Street. Now I, who admittedly knows nothing about anything, paid a premium stay at this fine and "historic" institution (as described by Expedia).

Turns out I didn't take a photo of the Europa so here'sthe Spires Shopping and Conference Centrefor your enjoyment as it was located just down the street.As you may have guessed, it used to be a church. :-)

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the history behind my premium glitzy hotel is that it known as the "most bombed hotel in the world" after suffering 28 attacks during the Troubles. Apparently, the journalists in those times stayed here and what better way to get yourself on the news than to make a spectacle right in front of the cameras? Fortunately things have changed and I didn't see any journalists and nobody was bombed except for a few "sons of Bushmills" wearing tuxedos in the piano bar who seemed to be there for a wedding reception or something. The hotel and its staff were lovely and I would stay there again for sure!

Wow, I just realized how long this post is. The rest of the day was your usual touristy fare: siesta time, wandering around the city's centre and shops, and soaking up the sun from the heat wave that was hitting the area. Then I enjoyed a yummy green Thai curry and a Harp at the Basement Bistro Bar & Grill on Donegall Square across from the City Hall while my mother had the freshest salmon I may have ever tasted. I'll try to post more this weekend; in the meantime go have a pint and enjoy these photos I took:

The sun makes an unexpected and prolonged visit

Victoria Square Mall
(c'mon - you KNOW I went shopping straightaway
after I parked the wee blue Ka)

"The Spirit of Belfast" on Cornmarket that symbolises how N.I.'s history and future are woven together as delicately as linen and as strong as steel

Bittles (bldg. 1861)

Ship ribs erected on Donegall Place in honor of the 100 year anniversary of the Titanic (built by Harland & Wolff of Belfast)

Troublesome Thoughts About the Troubles

2011-06-13T17:06:00.000-05:00

Greetings and salutations!

For those who don't already know, I returned Saturday from a really really big roadtrip this time, and unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view) there were no giant milk bottles, or other roadside oddities of the ilk I usually post. Apparently the folks in Northern Ireland and Ireland just let the natural landscape and the Guiness speak for themselves!

This was a trip of a lifetime; a "return to the homeland" if you will to see from whence my ancestors emigrated to the New World. Oh and did I see.

A long time ago a dear friend (from Ireland no less) asked me if my heart bled Green or Orange. Rather ignorantly, I replied (since the majority of my kin are from the North) that I secretly bled Orange. Oh how I now take that back!

Now wait, I don't mean that I'm switching loyalties to Green from Orange. I mean that now that I have a much better understanding of just what the division between the two countries means and how it has come about over all these years, and how the media and the politicians manipulate and weasel and lie in order to maintain control, I understand now how I could not possibly ever choose a side. There ARE NO sides. There are people. Not "them" and "us" but our friends, our families, our neighbors. People with whom we may disagree but whom we respect anyway. People from all races, creeds and religions who have been dehumanized over generations in an attempt to cope with fears.

I loved Belfast and the rest of Northern Ireland. The people were intelligent and friendly, the Guiness was cold and the scenery is breathtakingly beautiful. The absolute same can be said of the Republic of Ireland. Unfortunately, in NI some have taken the Troubles and made them into some kind of gimicky tourist spectacle. The disgusting BBC doesn't even acknowlege the Republic on the news unless a story is so major it's required. There is no mention of the rest of the Emerald Isle during the weather report. In the Republic, I witnessed the fear and disdain in the eyes of of the performers caused by a man with a bit too much drink in him ranting about politics and almost requiring the bouncers. While it's generally peaceful everywhere, for the hardliners it seems as if you acknowledge that the old ways are no longer necessary it is too much to tolerate because it somehow invalidates the position you may have stood up for your whole life.

At any rate, I truly loved both NornIron and Ireland. Wish I could afford to go back any time I desired for a visit. And to my old friend and to all my new friends, I'm sorry for my earlier ignorance. I pray for peace to continue and for subsequent generations to learn tolerance and even empathy. There is no Green or Orange. Only Red for the red-blooded people who want to raise their families in loving homes and enjoy their blessings.

PS Since nobody at home wants to listen to all my vacation stories, you dear reader are going to be the recipient. As my buddy Steve would say, "Enjoy. Or not."

ROADTRIP of the day:

2011-05-23T18:55:00.000-05:00

Since I already spent a ton of time traveling around today chasing after my wayward laptop, we’re going to stay close to home on this one and travel one county over to Michigan City, Indiana. Located in La Porte County, MC (as we locals call it) sits on the southern shore of Lake Michigan approximately half-way between Chicago and South Bend. Incorporated in 1836 with 1,500 residents, the hometown of the Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court has grown to a population exceeding 31,000. Other notable residents include actress Anne Baxter, Medal of Honor recipient Daniel D. Bruce, MLB pitcher Don Larsen, Chicago news anchor Mary Ann Ahern and the Scholl family who not only brought forth William “Dr.” Scholl of footwear fame, but also ran the Scholl Dairy (now La Rocco’s Floor Coverings) with the giant milk bottle standing proudly on top of the building at the intersection of Franklin and Homer. Pack up some cookies and let’s go!

(picture taken by yours truly via ye olde superhero phone)

Party at My Place...on Monday

2011-05-20T13:00:00.000-05:00

So, those of you who know me in person understand without question that sometimes I'm a little tardy to the party when it comes to keeping up on current events. Despite my legal proclivities, I prefer to get most of my news from hearsay. That likely explains why until yesterday I was clueless why all of a sudden everyone was talking about the end of the world and the Rapture and zombie apocalypses, etc. That was when I finally consulted a reliable news source (aka Yahoo!) and discovered some whackadoo has been putting up signs and billboards all over the place announcing that tomorrow is it for the good Christian folk of the world. Interesting idea, but I didn't know the "fire sale" concept applied to faith.

I imagine what my life would have been like if I knew that I could have been running amok trashing and looting and sinning left and right all these years without consequence because an hour before it was all over I could pull a "get out of jail free" card and get saved. I would have had a heck of a lot more fun, eh? While I'm not "devout" to any one organized religion, I grew up with a Christian belief system and I'm fairly confident I remember learning that this isn't how it's supposed to work. Regardless, it has been so flattering to get invites from friends to their "End of the World" parties, and I did even consider making the trek over to Highway 61 where Leo's going to put out some bleachers in the sun to watch where much of the action is predicted to take place. Despite my desire to celebrate eternity, though, I know I cannot attend because I have accepted my fate that as a lawyer I'm not going anywhere even remotely upwards tomorrow. I have to get ready for the REAL party: The Post-Rapture Looting Party. The organizers describe it as follows:

"When everyone is gone and God's not looking, we need to pick up some sweet stereo equipment and maybe some new furniture for the mansion we're going to squat in."

We've rounded up a few sponsors for the event: the bar association (of course), the Society for Insurance Salesmen, and the Republican Party. The Democrats want to participate too, but they can't seem to get their membership organized enough to pass the resolution allowing them to sign the contract.

So, if after tomorrow we don't meet again then I wish you a rapturous eternity. And don't worry about me; I'm going to leave some of my clothes and empty shoes over dry ice on my front lawn to fool the Zombies into believing that I did actually make the journey. I'd like to hang on to what little is left of my brains after all the hoopla. ;-)

Photo Source

Toy Review with the Lady Shark: Nerf Swarmfire

2011-05-19T16:05:00.002-05:00

So, my nephew turned 9 years old earlier this week and true to form, Auntie Rocky coughed up the loudest, most obnoxious gift I could come up with. Well, that's not entirely true; he told me what he wanted and I went out and bought it. I'm a little bit afraid that if I end up being one of those women who has a child at like age 48 everyone I know will come out of the woodwork with vengeance in their eyes to gift the kid with play-do, beads and cheap plastic crap made in China that makes the most annoying noises possible. And Barney. They'll definitely screw me by hooking up the kid with Barney because I do hate him so.

But I digress. So the boy turned 9 and in addition to camouflage duct tape ('cuz what household doesn't need that!?), he told me he wanted the Nerf Dart-Tag Series Swarmfire. Actually, he blurted out Igottahaveaswarmfireohpleaseohplease or something like that before I even finished asking the age old question, "What do you want for your birthday?" Just to mess with him, I only walked in with the duct tape and Ghostbusters on DVD - you should have seen his face. His mama taught him well as he said nothing that indicated he was anything other than grateful to be thought of, but his eyes said, "Fool, why ya playin' me!? The Swarmfire don't fit in that tiny little package!"

After I had my fun I let him run out to the car and get the BIG box that did indeed contain the Swarmfire. Sometimes I feel a little guilty having single-handedly armed the child to the teeth with his own Nerf arsenal. Regardless, this weapon is BOSS. It launches 20 darts in rapid automatic fire in 5 seconds. Each dart averages about 30 feet. (I KNOW!!) Plus I accidentally got clipped with one in the keester and from firsthand experience I can now say with emphasis that firing this bad boy will give one fantastic satisfaction knowing that your enemy will have tiny red welts on his butt if he gets in your line of fire closer than 10 feet. And did I mention that the darts have velcro on the tips? Massive fun pulling darts out of hair, curtains and your sister's expensive sweater. Awesome in every single way.

Plus, it led me to this delightful review which if you forward to 2:13 you can see this sucker in action:

There should be no question now whatsoever what I want for MY birthday. Igottahaveaswarmfireohpleaseohplease!!

ROADTRIP of the day:

2011-05-19T15:44:00.000-05:00

It has been far too long, but I'm back so let's hit the road. Today we’re journeying north to visit tiny Akeley, Minnesota (population 412). The town grew around the Red River Lumber Company’s sawmill in the 1890’s and was formally incorporated as a city in 1916. RRLC chose Akeley for the mill over nearby Walker because of disapproval over the bars and brothels in that area. In the early 1900’s, Akeley was a boomtown with the local train depot carrying lumberjacks and their families to swell the population to an annual average of 2,000-3,500. Although now very small, Akeley takes pride in its great lumbering past and annually celebrates "Paul Bunyan Days" and hosts the Paul Bunyan Historical Museum. Keeping a close eye out for any shenanigans is a kneeling statue of the mighty lumberjack himself, rising 25 feet into the air.

PS Apologies to those of you on Facebook seeing this for the second time, but those who aren't on FB with me couldn't see it until I connected my two accounts with Networked Blogs.

Solid or Liquid?

2011-05-17T23:13:00.000-05:00

I encountered this toilet today and yes, I'm trashy enough to whip out my camera. In a society where we're all on decision overload though, this is just one decision I don't want to have to make:

For once I'm speechless. Thankfully the jokes just write themselves on this one!

Let's See if This Works

2011-05-16T11:18:00.000-05:00

Ok, so taking the lead from my pal Yellowdog Granny I joined Networked Blogs on FB. That way I can hopefully follow more blogs through my little superhero phone and update the Shark Tank more than once a century.

Plus, I get to post pictures like this for no good reason:

Yeah, that's me alrighty. I still look about the same but the teeth finally grew in. :-)

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-11-17T13:10:00.001-06:00

Today we’re traveling south to the city of Tampa located on the Gulf Coast of Florida. Although once inhabited by various indigenous populations, and then visited by Spanish explorers in the 1500’s, no settlement was permanently established until 1824 when the US Army established a frontier outpost called Fort Brooke. The arrival of the Spaniards and later the European settlers brought disease to the native peoples killing off large populations or driving them farther inland and southward. In modern times, the greater Tampa Bay metropolitan area has approximately 4 million residents and in 2008 it was named by Forbes as the 5th best outdoor city. In the early 20th century cigars were a major industry, but the arrival of the military establishment in the 50’s-60’s in the form of what is now MacDill AFB created a population explosion that built an infrastructure for finance, insurance, shipping by air and sea, national defense, professional sports, and tourism. Notably, Tampa also boasts a giant bowling pin rising 30 feet in the air in front of the Splitsville Luxury Lanes and Dinner Lounge, a 12-lane bowling alley that also boasts upscale dining (and a dress code!).

Keep Calm...or Not.

2010-11-16T17:40:00.005-06:00

My neighbor here at the office is a proper British lady. Well, not really since she has lived in the States for quite a long time and we have completely and utterly corrupted her culturally. She still has the accent, though, so that's bonus points in my book anyway.

So M, let's call her (protection for the semi-innocent since nobody with anything to do with me is fully innocent), is a proper British lady. She manages lots of strong personalities who work hard and play hard; a real fun bunch in a time of crisis. Her position requires absolute aplomb and tact since upsetting someone who thinks they are more talented than they may actually be could create a fair disruption for all of us. Knowing this, I was not surprised when this poster turned up on her wall one day:

I turned to the most highly educated scholars I know (aka Wikipedia) to tell me about this delightful sentiment of "stiff upper lip-ism". Turns out the British Government through the Ministry of Information originally produced this poster in 1939 to raise the morale of the British public under the World War II threat of impending invasion. It was little known and never used (tax dollars in action as usual).

Anyway, a few weeks ago as I was shuffling out the door in the evening I happened to glance in at M's "Keep Calm" wall hoping for a boost after a particularly challenging day. Here's what I saw:

Just in case you can't see it, here's a close up of the little blue poster to the right of the Keep Calm poster:

Turns out even proper British ladies with stiff upper lips have bad days. Well done, M. Carry on!

Christmas Comes Early to the Shark Tank

2010-11-15T16:51:00.001-06:00

So in grand super-organized Virgo fashion, I headed out to the Halls of Commerce (aka University Park Mall in South Bend) to cross a few items off the holiday shopping list. Ordinarily I wait until Black Friday and then drag my dorsal out of the rack at oh-dark-thirty in order to power-shop all day in order to check off all names on the list in one day. I like to mix it up, though, and frankly the media clanging the "no good sales on Black Friday" rant over and over has me a little bit spooked. I need to move past that, though, since Halloween was two weeks ago and I'm all out of leftover trick or treat snacks. At any rate, if I finish all the shopping before U.S. turkey day then I can drag my dorsal out of the rack at oh-dark-thirty in order to go buy some cool toys and gifts at bottom dollar just for myself. And then I can go home and take a nap. The older I get, the more I value those naps.

Anyway, tonight I'm going to try to continue my streak of being proactive. I'm planning to plop myself in front of the TV in the home tank and wrap up the goodies for those in my good graces this year. Usually, I wait until "It's a Wonderful Life" or "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" is on, but again, I like to mix it up. I'm going to do it in front of Hawaii Five-0 (aka Hunky Five-0) and pretend I'm spending the holidays at Waikiki with Daniel Dae Kim taking turns with Scott Caan rubbing oil on my back and serving me froofy drinks. Aww yeah. Happy holidays to me. :-)

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-11-15T16:24:00.000-06:00

Today we’re taking a short day trip to Lincoln, Illinois located on historic Route 66 in the seat of Logan County. Originally settled in 1830, it is the only town named for the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln before he became president – he practiced law there from 1847-1859 and christened the town in 1853 as one of its founders. American author Langston Hughes spent some of his early years here at the beginning of the 20th century. Later in his life he wrote to his eighth-grade teacher in Lincoln, telling her his writing career began there in the eighth grade, when he was elected class poet. Lincoln’s stone, three-story domed courthouse (built in 1905) is one of Illinois’ most architecturally spectacular, and its liberal arts college (the only named for Mr. Lincoln during his lifetime) houses a museum containing an excellent collection of Abraham Lincoln related documents and artifacts. Perhaps more notable, however, is Lincoln’s biggest attraction: The Railsplitter Covered Wagon. Built by Mr. David Bentley as he recovered from heart disease, the wagon weighs five tons and measures 40 feet long, 12 feet wide, and 24 feet tall. Abe Lincoln, seated in the front reading a book, weighs 350 pounds and measures 12 feet tall. It was recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the World's Largest Covered Wagon and named the #1 Roadside Attraction in America for 2010 by Reader's Digest magazine.

Oooh! I'm fancy!

2010-11-10T20:31:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling very special today - I'm coming to you live from my mobile phone! The kids think I'm an old granny when I admit this, but technology is like freakin' magic to me. For goodness sakes, we had a party line phone when I was small, and now I can "video chat" (so the guy at the phone store tells me as if that were a major selling point) and watch television on the go. Magic, I tell you. Pure electronic magic.

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-11-10T14:57:00.001-06:00

Today we’re heading far west to visit the Municipality of Anchorage in our 49th State. It’s the northernmost US city and more than 40% of Alaska’s population live in Anchorage. The city was officially chartered in 1920 and its economy flourished through the railroad and the military industries. Anchorage was subsequently largely destroyed by a 9.2 earthquake on Good Friday in 1964. Aggressive rebuilding and beautification projects, along with the discovery of oil in 1968 have contributed to the return to glory for this 4-time “All-America City”. Urban wildlife is diverse with Moose, bears, wolves and fox wandering amongst the yuppies. With a little extra hunting, however, you can also spot a giant roller skate. Not sure why it’s there and can't find any information about it; but then again, why are any of us here?

Nerd Alert!

2010-11-09T10:59:00.000-06:00

Ok, well, not as big a nerd as my friend Scot who stayed home today so he could go buy some new video game called "Call of Duty" and then stay home playing it all day, but still a bit geeky. Yesterday I jumped into the 21st century with both feet - and I didn't even test the water first. I bought a new phone. It seems wholly insufficient to just call it a phone, though. It's a smartphone; and I daresay it's smarter than I am! This thing does just about everything except clean my house (and I sure am hoping they come up with an app for that). You know what this means, right? MORE pictures, MORE inane posts, MORE regular tomfoolery from your favourite shark.

Me so heppy.

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-11-09T10:56:00.000-06:00

Today we’re heading to one of my favorite cities in America – Louisville, Kentucky! Sitting on the bank of the Ohio River across the border from southern Indiana, Louisville was founded in 1778 by George Rogers Clark (brother of one half of Lewis & Clark fame) and is pronounced by most locals as “Luhville” or “Lohville” although the name is actually French and bestowed in honor of King Louis XVI of France (of Marie Antoinette fame) whose soldiers aided American soldiers in the Revolutionary War. During the Civil War, Louisville was a Union forces stronghold but during Reconstruction, Confederate veterans took political control of the city leading to the accusation that Louisville joined the Confederacy after the war was over. The city is perhaps most associated with Triple Crown horse racing in the form of the Kentucky Derby, but it is also a major center for healthcare and corporate interests such as Humana and Yum! Brands (KFC, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut). Other major influences on Louisville’s economy are the tobacco industry (Reynold’s Brown & Williamson featured in the movie “The Insider” was based here) and the bourbon industry (one-third of Kentucky bourbon comes from Louisville). And despite the sad fact that the White Sox are trying to kill me with their abysmal performance, I feel compelled to draw your attention to the six-story, 68,000 lb. baseball bat leaning against the front of the Louisville Slugger Museum & Factory.

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-11-08T11:39:00.000-06:00

Today we’re off to Huron, a city of 11,000+ in east central South Dakota named after the Huron Indians and born out of railroads and land booms in the 1880’s. Actress Cheryl Ladd, originally of “Charlie’s Angels” fame, and former Vice President Hubert Humphrey are from Huron. The town has its share of roadside attractions: there’s a giant fiberglass buffalo in front of the car dealership on Highway 14, and a genuine old Air Force twin-seat jet fighter on the ground in front of the VFW. Most notably, however, is the 20 feet tall and 40 feet long World's Largest Pheasant on top of the old Huron Liquor Store symbolizing Huron's claim as the "Pheasant Capital of the World".

More at RoadsideAmerica.com

Am I in costume or not? You decide.

2010-11-01T18:45:00.003-05:00

So last Thursday, the office here decided to celebrate some Halloween-like festivities. Who was I to complain? Another excuse to eat candy as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, I decided that this year I would make an effort and get decked out in costume. Here's a picture:

I was looking pretty spiffy, eh? I particularly enjoyed it when my paralegal sent the picture to a friend with the comment, "You think your boss is bad? Look who I have to work for!"

The funny part is that as it happens, only four people in the whole darned company dressed up. That increases my odds greatly of winning "best costume". I'm not sure what my prize would be if I won, but maybe I'll get some old Halloween candy bought on sale at half price and a nice certificate for my scrapbook. I'll keep you posted.

**UPDATE** I did in fact win the contest - in fact, I had 86 votes and the next nearest competitor had 45. :-)

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-11-01T18:39:00.000-05:00

Today we’re taking a short drive north to the town of Montague in Muskegon County of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula. The original residents of Montague were the Potawatomi Indians until white settlers moved in around 1850. With large pine forests nearby, lumber mills were the main industry in Montague until the arrival of the iron foundry in 1868, and in fact, present day Montague is still home to the world’s largest modern aluminum foundry. Not only does Montague take its industry seriously, it is an ardent supporter of its high school football team. The Wildcats won the Division 6 state title in both 2008 and 2009 with appearances in the state semi-finals in each year of 2003-2007. Perhaps most notably, though, is that Montague is home to the 48’ x 14’ "World's Largest Working Weathervane" weighing 4,300 lbs. and topped by a replica of the Ella Ellenwood, a Great Lakes lumber schooner home ported in Montague who ran aground north of Milwaukee in 1901, and whose nameplate miraculously drifted east across Lake Michigan and came ashore the following spring back in Montague.

Creative Outlet

2010-10-26T17:11:00.004-05:00

As a professional shark, my primary tasks all day are to read/write fine print that nobody else ever reads and to argue with people. On the whole, it's a pretty nice gig, but to avoid going insane (well, completely insane) I have to find creative outlets. Most recently, I finished the first level of basic sketch comedy writing at The Second City Training Center. It was pretty fun and I learned a lot, but writing homework every night after writing all day at work didn't really do it for me. I'm thinking the next class I'm looking to dabble in might be something "computer-y"; like web design or the like. In the meantime, however, I needed something to tide me over so I decided to get out the ol' carving knives and slice the heck out of one of the ubiquitous orange gourds I found at the pumpkin patch this weekend:

my alter-ego in the pumpkin world

I have to admit that I'm quite impressed with myself as it turned out better than I expected. I used a pattern for the teeth but then eyeballed the rest; not bad, eh? At the minimum, the creative expression here plus the oodles of Halloween candy should keep the grey cells abuzz well into next week when I have to come up with something else non-worky to do.

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-10-26T13:03:00.000-05:00

Today we’re driving historic Route 66: destination Foyil, Oklahoma. For much of the 19th century Foyil belonged to the Cherokee Nation, but the building of the railroad brought settlers with Foyil incorporating in 1910 and now the Native American population is less than 10%. In the 2000 Census, the population of Foyil stood at 234. The community supports a proud tradition of 8 man football and Josh Brown, a Foyil native, went on to play for the Seattle Seahawks. Although this tiny town primarily supports farmers and ranchers, its main attraction is the World’s Largest Concrete Totem Pole, entered into the National Register of Historic Places in 1999, in the Galloway Totem Pole Park. Galloway started the Totem Pole as a hobbyist in 1937 and finished in 1948. It stands six stories tall, 30 feet in circumference, and the pole rests on the back of a turtle. Sculpted and brightly painted renditions of spirit lizards, owls, and headressed Indian chiefs climb to the pinnacle. A doorway to the inner chamber is locked; inside is a ladder that climbs through four stories of circular and increasingly narrow chambers.

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-10-14T09:24:00.000-05:00

Today we’re going a little further west to visit Carefree, Arizona whose motto is "Home of Cowboys and Caviar, Where the Old West Meets the New”. Its street names reflect its character: residents live on Tranquil Trail, Ho-and-Hum Roads, Long Rifle and Stagecoach Avenues, and the really lucky ones live over on Easy Street! Carefree claims Dick Van Dyke and Eric Bischoff (from WWE Raw) as notable residents, and it’s also a favored destination for foodies - The town has 15 restaurants, which makes for 1 restaurant for every 247 people, the highest per capita ratio in the Phoenix metropolitan area. Carefree is also home to the third largest working sundial in the Western hemisphere, (90 feet in diameter and 35 feet high) that was chosen because not only was it beautiful, but it was also useful and the World Sunshine Chart published by the U.S. Weather Bureau, indicated that this is one of two areas in the world most abundantly endowed with solar energy.

I wouldn't mind living on Easy Street. I wonder if things really are easier on Easy Street?

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-10-12T22:18:00.000-05:00

Founded in 1872, Jamestown, North Dakota is the hometown of Alf Clausen (score composer on “The Simpsons”), author Louis L’Amour, singer Peggy Lee, and radio personality Shadoe Stevens. Jamestown boasts several opportunities for outdoor activities with two lakes and over 30 miles of biking trails. One of the premiere attractions in Jamestown is Frontier Village, a working recreation of a prairie town that hosts the National Buffalo Museum and is home to White Cloud, her daughter Princess Winona, and her granddaughter Dakota Miracle: three albino buffalo living amongst a herd and considered to be sacred and lucky omens by many Native Americans. Guarding this roadside wonderment is Dakota Thunder, the World’s Largest Buffalo, a 60 ton cement statue of an American Bison standing 26’ tall by 46’ long and built in 1958 as an art class project by a group of Jamestown College students.

The only thing I'm still left wondering: where do the tiny little wings come from???

Happy Thanksgiving to the Great White North!

2010-10-11T14:30:00.000-05:00

Hope you're home enjoying time with family and friends over a great big serving of Tofurkey like this happy fella:

or you're enjoying one last long weekend jaunt before Mother Nature freezes you in for the winter. Either way, Happy Thanksgiving to you Canadians, eh!

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-10-11T14:26:00.001-05:00

Today we’re off to the desert to visit the city of Alamogordo, New Mexico; the site of such infamous events as the Atari video game burial of 1983 and the Trinity text explosion of the atomic bomb in connection with the Manhattan Project in July of 1945. Alamogordo sits in the Tularosa Basin which has been occupied for at least 11,000 years. The Mescalero Apache occupied the territory until the arrival of Spanish explorers in the 1500’s. Present day Alamogordo is largely connected to the military and space exploration industries; but it’s also home to McGinn’s Pistachio Tree Ranch which gives us the World’s Largest Pistachio built in 2008 and standing proudly at 30’ tall.

Photo courtesy of RoadsideAmerica.com

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-10-07T13:52:00.000-05:00

We're off westward to Blackfoot, Idaho - a town of 10,000+ that got its name in the early 1800’s in reference to the sooty footwear of locals after a series of area wildfires. It’s perhaps better known as the “Potato Capital of the World” because it boasts the world's most intensive production of potatoes—100 million hundredweight sacks per year. Blackfoot is also home to the Idaho Potato Museum. Inside you'll find the World’s Largest Potato Chip (25”) made by Pringles, a nod to the original Mr. Potato Head (made with a REAL potato!), and a spud signed by former VP Dan Quayle himself, who singlehandedly (yet unsuccessfully) led the charge to revise the official spelling of the world’s most important vegetable (imho) to “Potatoe”. Most important, though, is the World’s Largest Baked Potato parked right out front.

This potato reminds me of one of my favorite entries from one of my other new favorite sites: Sh*t My Kids Ruined which you can access: HERE

Turtle Rodeo

2010-10-05T21:08:00.002-05:00

First the Kitteh:

And a pup too!?

And for goodness sakes - even a GOAT!

BOGUS

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-10-05T20:45:00.000-05:00

Today we’re traveling to one of the most popular tourist destinations in Arkansas: Eureka Springs in the Ozark Mountains of northwest Arkansas. Eureka Springs is a resort town with steep winding streets of an alpine character, with an extensive streetscape of well-preserved Victorian buildings. In addition to its natural charm, ES is a popular destination for art aficionados (20+ galleries), religious tourists (a version of the Passion Play is hosted each year), and people seeking natural healing in the waters of the local hot springs. As if that weren’t enough, though, Eureka is also home to the World's Largest Tuned Musical Windchime weighing in at 653 lbs. and tuned in an Oriental pentatonic scale, like the black keys on a piano, with the longest and shortest tubes emitting notes an octave apart.

Shark Links

2010-10-04T15:25:00.002-05:00

While I was watching the Bears self-destruct last night on national television, I was also surfing le Web for bizarre, amusing and sometimes disturbing timewasters. I thought I would share them with you, dear reader, in the event you also happen to be looking for bizarre, amusing and disturbing ways to waste time.

What's Wrong With These Photos?! - click HERE
Good stuff here from the Ellen DeGeneres website. I don't watch her show but I have some weird friends who sent this to me.

S*it my pets ruined - click HERE

Reader-submitted photos of all things destroyed (or otherwise made filthy, distasteful, gross or painful) by our little domestic darlings from the animal kingdom. Couldn't help but think of Ruby and the Christmas tree as I laughed and laughed - then I remembered Zoe tearing down a plaster wall, a 7' banana tree and two metal dryer vents and suddenly it wasn't *quite* as funny.

Enjoy!

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-10-04T14:00:00.000-05:00

Today we’re headed out to Riverhead in Suffolk County, NY on Long Island (aka East Lawng-Eyeland). While this census designated place, along with its neighbor Flanders, has a much lower per capita income than it’s glitzy southern neighbors in the Hamptons, it has something much more important to quack about: The Big Duck, the principal building on the Big Duck Ranch originally built as a shop to sell ducks and duck eggs, and now listed on the National Register of Historic Places. It is a wood frame, wire mesh/concrete surface building that stands 18’x30’ and is shaped like a Peking duck. The Duck was built in 1930 and its eyes are made from the taillights of a Ford Model T. Now owned by the county, the Duck has been moved a total of 4 times between Riverhead and Flanders, but now resides in its original location on Riverhead's Main Street as a gift shop run by the Friends for Long Island Heritage.

It never ceases to amaze me how much times have changed. When this was built during the Great Depression there was no fancy financing, no zoning and no snotty neighbors picketing that the Big Duck doesn't comply with the 'character and feel' of the neighborhood. Imagine trying to put this sucker up nowadays? You'd probably have yuppie morons firebombing your house and you'd be tied up in litigation for so long you'd be bankrupt. Gotta love America. :-)

Open Season

2010-10-01T12:29:00.000-05:00

So have I mentioned I love failblog? Here's just one more reason why:

Leo, I'm really into raviolis so watch yourself!

More fail at failblog.org.

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-10-01T08:18:00.008-05:00

It has been a very long week of extraordinarily excessive traffic, intermittent sinus pressure and chaos at work hence, a trip to paradise (aka HAWAII) is definitely in order. Specifically today we're visiting the Island of Maui; also called the "Valley Isle" for the large isthmus between its northwestern and southeastern volcanoes and the numerous large valleys carved into both mountains. Maui's wide variety of landscapes resulted from a unique combination of geology, topography, and climate which perhaps explains why although some Maui locales are described as lush and tropical, today's destination on Maui's southwest coast, the beach community of Kihei, has a relatively arid climate with less than 13 inches of rain falling annually. Historically referred to by native Hawaiians as "Kamaʻole" (which means "barren") for its hot and dusty days, Kihei was once only inhabited with scattered villages of native fishermen and subjects loyal to Kamehameha I who moored his war canoes during his conquest of Maui and later formally established the Kingdom of Hawai'i in 1810. While Kamehameha's reign has long ended, his legacy lives on in the Kanawai Mamalahoe, the "Law of the Splintered Paddle", which protects human rights of non-combatants in times of battle. Modern Kihei offers affordable sunshine, surf, dining and shopping to locals and visitors, and during the winter months, Maui welcomes very special visitors for the annual migration of North Pacific humpback whales. The main offices and education center of the Hawaiian Islands Humpback Whale National Marine Sanctuary, a 1,400 square mile National Marine Sanctuary designated by Congress to protect the North Pacific humpbacks and their habitat, are located in Kihei. In tribute to these famous residents, a large whale statue resides prominently in Kalama Park, standing as a guest of honor during the annual Whale Day Celebration and as here, celebrating the holidays with a festive traditional lei.

Photo courtesy of MauiWeekly.com.

My friend Ginny lives on Oahu, so I'm hoping to make my first visit to Hawai'i early next year. Perhaps I can squeeze in a side trip to visit Kalama Park? I hope so.

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-09-30T22:24:00.003-05:00

Settled since 1867 as a supply point, warehousing and retail, for the surrounding cattle ranches, as well as servicing railway crews, cowboys and the troops of the US Army stationed at Fort Fetterman; Douglas, Wyoming became an established railroad stop that is now recognized on the National Register of Historic Places as having brought settlers and pioneers westward to the new frontier. In 1932, two brothers/taxidermists from Douglas inadvertently tossed a jackrabbit carcass next to a pair of antlers and the legend of the jackalope was officially born. The official “Home of the Jackalope” is the permanent address of the world’s largest jackalope standing proud at over 13 feet in front of the Chamber of Commerce.

Photo from the Douglas, Wyoming Chamber of Commerce

When I was about 13 or 14 years old we went on a family vacation to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I don't recall that we visited this jackalope, but I clearly remember all the jackalope related souveniers in the shops everywhere we went. Amusingly enough (or incredibly sad - depending on your point of view), I didn't really grasp at the time that there is no such animal as the 'jackalope'. I think I was in college before I finally got the joke.
:-)

A Special Thank You

2010-09-28T22:56:00.000-05:00

I would like to give a special shout out and a great big THANK YOU to Doug at RoadsideAmerica.com who worked with me in a kind and professional manner to ensure that I could keep bringing you fun photos from the quirky places I visit for each ROADTRIP of the day from their website. In these days where sometimes Corporate America isn't so friendly to the little guy (or the little shark, as the case may be), the folks over at RA.com were super cool about working to a solution instead of just smacking me down.

Please show your thanks by visiting their website, spreading the word about their awesomeness, and even better, clicking on the links of their sponsors!

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-09-28T22:48:00.000-05:00

Today we're heading out to the prairie to visit Hebron, Nebraska - a town of about 1,500 that describes itself as a clean, honest and easy place to live where its people are hard working folks very similar to those on the Oregon Trail who passed through Thayer County in that era. It's also home to the world's longest porch swing (seats 16 adults).

Photo courtesy of RoadsideAmerica.com

Please visit RoadsideAmerica.com for more photos and information!

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-09-27T22:20:00.001-05:00

Occupying a total area of 1.3 square miles at an elevation of 2,096 ft. is the town of Libby in the northwest corner of the State of Montana. Libby has unfortunately experienced more than 274 area deaths suspected to have been caused by asbestos-related diseases from a local ore mining operation, however, it is now a Superfund site and cleanup is in progress even though criminal prosecution of the company was unsuccessful. Despite that, Libby is also home to two large-scale eagle sculptures with 40' wingspans that welcome you to the City of Eagles from the highway and were created by the local art teacher (who is also the mayor's brother).

Photo Courtesy of RoadsideAmerica.com

Please visit RoadsideAmerica.com for more photos and information!

Dear Papa Bear Halas in Heaven soaring with the eagles like a giant angel, please put in a good word with the Big Man for my beloved Bears to win over those cheese packin' thugs in the ugly green and yellow costumes. Thanks and amen! Love Rocky

UPDATE: Papa Bear Halas in Heaven, THANK YOU!!

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-09-24T23:01:00.001-05:00

Let's sit a spell in the World's Largest Wooden Rocking Chair (35 feet tall!) in front of the Dedeaux Clan Furniture store in Gulfport, Mississippi built in 2008 to replace its smaller version that was eaten by termites. Gulfport is the 2nd largest city in the state, has a significant military presence in nearby Biloxi, and despite poundings from Hurricanes Camille and Katrina it continues to thrive. Oh yeah, it's also the hometown of some quarterback who apparently used to be a big deal in Wisconsin or something.

PHOTO SOURCE

ROADTRIP of the day:

2010-09-23T21:44:00.000-05:00

Freer, Texas; pop. 3,250 and home of the Freer Rattlesnake Roundup - the biggest snake Party in Texas featuring concerts, a carnival, parade, arts/crafts exhibit and show, stage shows, a dare devil snake show, fried rattlesnake meat, talent contest & much more. Plus, if you drive north about 6 hours you can visit Dexter and Jackisue!

This might be one of my favourite destinations in the ROADTRIP series so far (I've done 41 of the 50 states - we'll get to them all eventually); in large part because of the earnest folks of Freer, Texas themselves. I found all kinds of awesomeness when I was researching this little town like this nugget:

"In 1975, when the town celebrated its fiftieth anniversary, a booklet put out to commemorate the occasion included several poems by Freer residents that acknowledged the town's lack of physical beauty but praised its warmth and unity."

and then there's this one:

"While there may not be a lot to do in Freer, the Rattlesnake Roundup offers plenty of activity in a land that is as much mystery as it is friendly."

In these times where people take things so seriously, how can you not love the good folk of Freer??

ROADTRIP of the day

2010-09-22T20:38:00.000-05:00

Today we're off to Goodland, Kansas nicknamed "The Golden Buckle on the Wheat Belt". Only 17 miles from the Colorado border, Goodland has produced a famous furniture designer, a Navy Admiral, and 2 federal judges. It was also the hometown of the creator of the Big Easel Project which gives us the exciting 24 by 32 foot reproduction of Van Gogh's famous 'Sunflowers' on an 80 foot steel easel smackdab across the street from the Pizza hut and homemade jerky store. For more info about the Big Easel project visit their website HERE.

ROADTRIP of the day

2010-09-21T11:39:00.002-05:00

Today we're going to Ruth and Wimpy's Kitchen on Route One in Hancock, Maine where it is a point of special pride that everybody is welcomed equally, regardless of nationality, age, gender, pigmentation, social standing, religious persuasion, sartorial inclination, sexual orientation, or any other inconsequential differentiation. Oh yeah, and here is "Wilbur" their 20' mascot who turned up in their parking lot one day (seems the artist's trailer had broken down and he left it there):

You know, I gotta lot of junk sitting around the house that is just holding me back. I wonder if I leave it in someone's parking lot they will turn it into their mascot or otherwise find a way to make it into a looky-loo attraction? Maybe I should try that out.

PHOTO from Ruth and Wimpy's Kitchen website - check them out HERE

ROADTRIP of the day

2010-09-20T12:32:00.000-05:00

For the last several weeks on Facebook, I have been traveling across the country checking out roadside attractions in an attempt to appreicate the absurdity and banality of life in these great United States. I started this project inspired by the weekly Sunday newspaper supplement Parade Magazine, and the wonderful website RoadsideAmerica.com.

This has been a really fun project for me (and hopefully for my Facebook friends) so in bringing it here to the Shark Tank I hope you enjoy it as well. Again I would like to thank Roadside America for the majority of the photos that I am posting; all rights belong to the RoadsideAmerica.com or their respective photographers and I claim no rights to them at all. I encourage you to support RoadsideAmerica.com by visiting their website HERE. Now, on with the show:

Today we're off to Colorado Springs, CO to visit the World's Largest Hercules Beetle. The Beetle is actually the marker for the John May Museum of Natural History and the John May Museum of Space Exploration, which according to Roadside America is a grouping of 3 large mobile homes with 500-1000 NASA photographs, a small theater where 60 people can watch 300 hrs of NASA films, and a domed building where scale models of NASA spacecraft are presented. Rumour has it that a geocache is hidden within feet of the beetle's base.

Built in 1958 of fiberglass and steel, this bad boy stands 9' x 17' x 6' and weighs in at 400 lbs. Let's go!

No special brownies needed

2010-06-14T11:37:00.000-05:00

NO SPECIAL BROWNIES NEEDED

I have been giggling all weekend long. No, I'm not high; the California trip is next week (kidding!).

On Friday night, I went to see the A-Team with my Pops. We had a good time, shared some corn, enjoyed the one-liners and CGI explosions. He even gave me one of those electronic gizmos that tell you the recipe for virtually any mixed drink. Party at my house!

Before that, though, I was listening to This American Life - an American radio program that - oh hell, you don't really care what the program is about do you? It's on NPR. It's weird and nerdy and think-y and I love it. This Friday's episode (a repeat I later discovered) shows exactly why. Plus, Ira Glass is kind of hot.

But I digress.

The first 20 minutes of the program, I was completely captivated by a story about what might perhaps actually be the greatest voicemail message ever left in the history of the telephone. You can listen to the story HERE, but if you don't have the patience for that here's a NICE SUMMARY I found on the web.

All I can say is that I agree - that manufactured Disney happiness can sometimes drive me directly to the edge as well.

On Saturday morning, I was channel surfing and came across a repeat of Top Gear (wikipedia it) on BBC America. While I generally enjoy seeing what the boys are up to in a normal episode, this time they simply outdid themselves. See, the task was to determine if it was better to just buy a beater car to use on vacation and then resell it rather than to rent one. Each of them had a budget of $1000 to purchase a car which they would take on a road trip across the southern US from Florida to New Orleans so they ended up driving a caravan of a Camaro, a Cadillac and a Dodge Ram pick-up truck. Hilarity ensues when just before crossing into the state of Alabama, they are given a unique challenge:

Alabama Rednecks - TopGear - The funniest videos clips are here

By the way, the last three words of Jeremy's speech at the end are "mate with vegetables."

While I probably should not admit this publicly, I have now watched this repeat at least twice a day since I first saw it Saturday morning and I have laughed out loud every single time. What can I say, MAN LOVE RULES OK?

So I continue to be vapid and sophomoric, but generally I'm pretty happy. And if you don't like it, well then You and the Little Mermaid can go f*ck yourselves. ;-)

xoxo Lady Shark

Buffed, Polished, Coiffed and...

2010-06-05T13:34:00.001-05:00

covered in hot coffee. Well, now it's kind of cold coffee since this actually happened about an hour ago. LUCKY ME. At least the fine folks here at my friendly neighborhood Starbucks replaced my coffee without charging me another $7.99 or whatever a cuppa joe costs these days. The only thing that can't really be fixed is my work notepad (completely obliterated). This may have been my subconscious attempting to procrastinate. I'll worry about that later, though. ;-)

So anyhoodle, it's another good day here in the neighborhood for yours truly. I worked out again this morning (3 days in a row now - that's more than all of last year combined!), and then I went to the beauty salon to get my tresses cut and styled. Very self-indulgent, but since I don't have a school of fishies to take care of it, I consider it to be support of the consumer economy!

Really not a whole lot going on with me except working, living - the usual. Yesterday I considered throwing my iPod off the top of a building, but the Genius boys at the geek bar in the Apple Store fixed that little problem for me (without charge) and now I'm back in business. In fact, I'm now taking suggestions for 'MUST HAVE' songs to put on it. Right now I have a grand total of zero (yeah, that's what I said - zero, nil, zilch, nada) songs on it. I'm so uncultured.

By the way, why do so many words that mean the lack of anything start with the letter 'N' or the letter 'Z'? Think about it: Zero. Zilch. Nada. None. Nothing. I guess there's 'bupkus' too, but humour me here. English is such a mutt language.

Anyway, that's it for now since I'm working for the man today and need to get cracking so I can go goof off later. xoxo

Other People's Lives are More Exciting than Mine!

2010-06-01T13:55:00.001-05:00

Not that I'm complaining, though!

Yesterday I was reading through some court decisions and came across this snippet of what can only be described as a gem of a case. Although it is a real criminal case (boy meets girl, boy gives girl a job, boy and girl end up sleeping together, boy gets clingy, girl quits job and boy, boy stalks and terrorizes girl), the transcript is more like the script of a soap opera.

Here's the cast of characters:

And the curtain rises to the following:

[...] About an hour later, Dobrowski testified that defendant returned and Dobrowski observed him “caress” Stern’s door knob and door frame. Dobrowski testified that he thought defendant was trying to break into Stern’s apartment and Dobrowski directed Uslais to call the police. Dobrowski went into the hallway with his samurai sword and told defendant to leave the apartment building. Defendant responded that Stern was “doing some kind of witchcraft.” Dobrowski testified that defendant finally left the building and the police arrived shortly thereafter. [...]

Where do I start with this mess? Oh, c'mon, you totally know where I'm going. "Dobrowski went into the hallway with his samurai sword..." W.T.F.C.? (C is for Chuck) I think a steak knife is about the biggest knife in my home tank, and yet this transcript makes it sound as if everybody has a samurai sword in the umbrella stand by the front door in case they must ward off their crazy neighbor's boyfriends who just so happens to be violently opposed to practioners of witchcraft.

I do lead a reasonably boring and sheltered, life, however. Do YOU have a samurai sword at the ready?? Probably the oddest thing I have near the door is the partially assembled shoe rack I bought at Target like five years ago that has no shoes on it because I can't quite figure out how to fully put it together and am too lazy to take it apart and throw it away. Then again, maybe I better hang on to it just in case I need to step out into the front yard to defend myself!

Captain Shark’s Log: Star Date Memorial Day weekend 2010

2010-05-31T15:33:00.001-05:00

FRI: Lady Shark at the Movies to see SATC2

Chick Flick Film Review: 2 stars Fashion/Shoes Review: 4 stars

NOTE to SJP – honey, you are NOT aging well. Eat a freaking sandwich or something!

SAT: Lady Shark is sooo lazy she sleeps in. She finally rolled her fins out of the rack only to putter around the house some, and then putter around some more. At 4 p.m. she went to dinner with high school friends she hasn't seen in 24 years (24 YEARS!). She had a fantastic time and thinks they did too. It was a wonderful 3 hours of laughing (a lot) and eating (a lot)! Afterwards she dropped her top and went cruising around town in her sporty little convertible since the weather was so beautiful.

NOTE to self: Count blessings every day; there are so many!

SUN: Lady Shark was up very early (probably from all that sleep on Saturday) and had cyber-coffee chatting with her dear friend Misha (on the East coast). Realized how much she misses him and the whole rest of the gang from her Navy days. Plotting and planning how/when to meet up with everyone. Did laundry, then spent 2 hours at the nail salon in the afternoon get the fins buffed & polished. Enjoyed classic 80's videos on VH1 while laughing with the nail tech about how dumb we looked in said decade. Noted complete lack of T&A in 80's videos, though, as opposed to the crap that's on TV these days. Did office work, then went to parents' for dinner. Grilled pork chops – Dad in charge of meat + fire = goooood! Toasted to the fallen in honor of this Memorial Day and prayed for the safety of those out there every day.

NOTE: must learn how to say 'make the water hotter' in Vietnamese

MON: Up again early and got to have coffee with Mish again. Lucky Lady Shark! Housework during NCIS marathon on USA channel until satlink went down. BOO! At Starbucks finishing office work from yesterday. Really enjoy hanging out at the coffee house. Why? Don't know.

NOTE: must stop procrastinating and go home and clean house.

Anyway, you get the gist – it was a really good weekend. I have a roof over my head, people whom I care about/care about me, and food in my belly. PLUS, the rain stopped, so maybe if I go home now, I can catch the next 6 or 90 reruns of NCIS! What could be nicer? ;-)

Famous and Disgusting

2010-05-27T20:13:00.000-05:00

Although I had a nice day overall, the commute was a real SOB. To keep my spirits high and my blood pressure low, I listened to the radio until I heard an advert for a show called Radio Lab in which their program of the evening spotlighted famous tumors. Famous tumors? WTF?

Turns out that apparently there are some famous tumors and they're quite interesting. If you're into that kind of thing, you can check them out HERE.

That got me started wondering what else was famous, but disgusting. How about fungus? Yeah, that's pretty gross, right? Sure enough, there's actually a whole organization called The Fungal Research Trust with two (count 'em: one, two), yes TWO pages of famous fungi. And I thought I was a boring dinner date. Imagine hooking up with one of these guys! (Click HERE to see the fungus)

Despite the fact that I bore easily, I wasn't quite done yet. I often wonder how my nail technician plays with peoples' hands and feet all day, so I searched for toenails and found an interesting discussion comparing a decomposing bear foot to a decomposing human foot. There are even several wicked looking pictures, including one where for one woman, sandals are the ONLY options. Click HERE to join the discussion.

Unfortunately for me, though, and soon to be you too the image results also brought me to THIS THING. WTF in any form is wholly inadequate. I think I'm scarred for life, even.

Tomorrow I think I'll just listen to my iPod.

Eggrolls roasting on an open fire...

2010-05-26T22:21:00.000-05:00

At the moment, I'm sitting in a Chinese restaurant in a small rural town in Illinois. I'm on my way to my niece's 8th grade graduation (she's valedictorian!), and in embracing the ways of my father I arrived here in town ignorantly early. Might as well eat, right?

Experience has taught me that you take your life in your own hands when you eat eggrolls in towns where a certain percentage of the population has a low tooth-to-tattoo ratio and another major voting bloc consists of old, white farmers who don't generally tend to embrace the exotic. Nonetheless I'm feeling adventurous, so despite the Christmas decorations in the window I have decided to give it a go. I figure I've got a good chance of avoiding ptomaine because a healthy-looking Pastor Ed from the local Baptist church is here with his wife and the head of the prison ministry, a large man who proclaimed to the table, "I don't even like Chinese food, but this place is good." Now that's the kind of celebrity endorsement I can get behind.

If you're wondering how I happen to know Pastor Ed and his posse, did I mention that the whole place is about the size of my master bedroom and there are a total of 4 tables? There's a line for carry-out, though, and P.E. is carrying on quite a show with his overly bright tie and his captive audience. We also all now know the couple at the table next to me who have just moved back in with his mother here in town since they fell on hard times but will be sure to see P.E. in church on Sunday. I wonder why P.E. avoided bringing his roadshow over to my table? Do I radiate 'city'? Perhaps he suspected I was dawdling before going down the road to hang out with the Lutherans? Worse yet - perhaps I give off a 'lawyer aura' that emits a 'Forget it Chuck, She's beyond redemption' beacon to all men of the cloth...

Anyway, my food is here and it's not half bad. Who knew that this tiny little hole in the wall was actually a dinner theatre!?

Mayonnaise, Rodents, and Alcohol (oh my!)

2010-05-25T15:02:00.001-05:00

Returning to my blog is a bit like starting over for me. What shall I talk about? What did I ever talk about? Everything and nothing at all, I suppose.

As I sit here trying to come up with something even remotely interesting to write about, I realize that I don't really care about politics or the economy or religion; and while it's a fairly safe bet I won't get beat up at a cocktail party, it suggests that I'm vapid and do not take much very seriously.

Ok, in the interest of fair disclosure, I admit that last part is true. So no BMW-ing (bi_ching, moaning and whining) when I waste space blabbing about Druids being hired to extract the negative energy from the Austrian roadways, or the lunatic woman in Florida who tasered a Wendy's employee because she didn't get the right number of mayo packets (Mayo packets? Who asks for mayo packets?). You can't say you weren't warned.

Drunk Man Gives Mouth-to-Mouth to Roadkill, Say Police
(click on the link to see a picture of the cute little critter before he qualified as roadkill)

March 29, 2010 10:09 AM

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. (CBS/AP) When police found Donald Wolfe, he was giving mouth-to-mouth "resuscitation" to a long-dead opossum along a major highway, according to officials.

Trooper Jamie Levier says several witnesses saw the 55-year-old Brookville, Pa. man kneeling before the roadkill and gesturing as though he were conducting a seance, while another saw the mouth-to-mouth attempt.

Levier says Wolfe was "extremely intoxicated" and "did have his mouth in the area of the animal's mouth...I guess."

Wolfe was charged with public drunkenness.

Crimesider could not locate a home telephone number for Wolfe to request a comment.

The trooper said Wolfe was spotted along Route 36 in Oliver Township, about 65 miles northeast, of Pittsburgh, Thursday about 3 p.m.

You may recall that I am a Navy vet and a college graduate, which should lead you to the obvious conclusion that I have witnessed (and perhaps engaged in - but I'll never tell) amazing spectacles of public drunkenness in my day (Like the time Steve* barfed in his own breast pocket and then kept on partying!?). Despite that, what was this doofus thinking in giving the kiss of life to a dead opossum? You're in Punxatawney, dude. How do you not realize your ONLY choice is a dead GROUNDHOG? Some people just have no clue.

*totally his real name

Looky loo – I’m back

2010-05-24T12:25:00.001-05:00

Kind of weird, but I found a way to blog through my word processor. I'll play with this after work and maybe get back to blogging. What could be nicer?

Rotten Fish of the Day

2010-04-30T10:03:00.001-05:00

There's a clear winner for Rotten Fish of the Day here at the Shark Tank: the Big Polluter with no Backup Plan that is Beyond Preposterous. Haven't guessed yet? Here's a hint:

Texas City Refinery Disaster

Plans to Dump Sludge Into Lake Michigan

Oh and this "little" news story: Gulf Oil Spill

Rather than rant, I'll let you do the research and come to your own conclusion on whether or not BP has earned this dubious distinction. My personal opinion is "Beyond Petroleum" is correct only if they mean poisoning our waters, ruining our gulf economies, violating human rights across the planet and gouging us at the pump. Way to go, BP!

Blarney for the Day

2010-03-17T10:11:00.000-05:00

An Irishman name of Pat Sweeney
In Nice drank a quart of Martini
The local gendarme
Wired his wife in alarm,
"Nous regrettons Pat Sweeney est fini."

Happy St. Patrick's Day! If you can't make it to Blarney Castle this year to kiss the stone, visit it by clicking HERE

News you Can Use...well, not really

2010-02-18T11:16:00.001-06:00

Thanks to CBS2 Chicago for posting this on their website

Billy, can you confirm this fact?

Merry Christmas everyone!

2009-12-25T11:43:00.000-06:00

I wish you food in your belly, someone to love and something to look forward to!

Oh yeah, and lots of laughs - this will get you started:

It doesn't get much hotter than these guys...

2009-11-12T09:37:00.000-06:00

Update: the link below doesn't work on youtube, but thanks to break.com you can enjoy physical fitness from the 80's in all its spandex and legwarmer glory! Check it out here: http://www.break.com/index/the-1987-dance-aerobics-championship.html

Gosh I sure loved the 80's...

*Update: looks like the party poopers took the video down - can't they laugh at themselves? Guess not. Oh well, we can laugh at their picture. :-)

Thank you.

2009-11-11T11:15:00.001-06:00

Rotten Fish of the Day

2009-10-20T13:02:00.000-05:00

CHECK OUT the latest in the story of Shepard Fairey - you know him better as the guy who is embroiled in a legal battle over fair use of an AP photograph upon which he allegedly created this:

Well, Mr. Fairey has now gotten himself into a fine kettle of fish and those fish happen to smell a little rotten. Turns out there are indications that during the discovery process he may not have been honest and may have even gone so far as destroying documents that would be key evidence to the heart of the matter.

You know you're probably not where you want to be in your case when your own lawyers jump ship on you. What's worse to me than just the potential sleaziness of the whole thing is that he has wasted the time and possibly tarnished the reputation of Stanford University’s Fair Use Project which advocates for artists in legitimate fair use disputes. Time will tell what's what, I guess.

Way to go, Shep. Maybe instead of 'HOPE' under Obama's face you should have superimposed the word 'GREED' under your own.

Just sayin'.

Full story HERE.

2009-09-13T13:18:00.000-05:00

I heart failblog.org

2009-09-09T22:53:00.001-05:00

Oh yes I do...

see more Fail Blog

Rotten Fish of the Day - Bank of America Corp branch in downtown Tampa, Florida

2009-09-03T11:12:00.000-05:00

Photo Credit

Did you read this latest bit of evidence that people are devolving? Check it out:

NO THUMBPRINT, NO MONEY, BANK TELLS ARMLESS MAN

MIAMI (Reuters) – A bank in Florida refused to cash a check for an armless man because he could not provide a thumbprint.

"They looked at my prosthetic hands and the teller said, 'Well, obviously you can't give us a thumbprint'," Steve Valdez told CNN on Wednesday.

But he said the Bank of America Corp branch in downtown Tampa, Florida, still insisted on a thumbprint identification for him to cash a check drawn on his wife's account at the bank, even though he showed them two photo IDs.

In the incident last week, a bank supervisor told Valdez he could only cash the check without a thumbprint if he brought his wife in with him or he opened an account with them.

"I told them I neither wanted an account with them and couldn't bring my wife in because she was nowhere close by," Valdez told CNN.

Bank of America said in a statement cited by CNN: "While the thumbprint is a requirement for those who don't have accounts, the bank should have made accommodations."

Valdez said his treatment by the bank violated the U.S. Americans with Disability Act requiring institutions to provide reasonable accommodation to disabled persons.

(Writing by Pascal Fletcher; editing by Todd Eastham)

You know, looking at my last few posts I realise I have been more negative than usual (Oprah's f**kery tends to do bring out the worst in me, I guess). When I read crap like this, though, it isn't at all a surprise why! While I am in no way anything even closely resembling a right-leaning nutbag who disbelieves the theory of evolution, I confess that when I hear of people behaving this way I wonder if in fact the human species has reached its evolutionary peak and it's all downhill from here.

Too bad this poor dude would likely have faced aggravated assault charges if he had clobbered those dumbarses with one of his prosthetic limbs. Well, at least when the lawyers are done with these fools, Mr. Armless will have gotten hundreds of times the amount of the original check he was trying to cash.

You know who else is gross?

2009-09-01T14:53:00.000-05:00

Oprah and her crazy grandstanding. She has apparently decided it's ok to shut down a major transportation artery next Tuesday (that just so happens to be right down the street from my office). Click HERE to read all about it.

Yeah, I'll get a lot done with 30,000 screaming teens and soccer moms going nutso for free stuff and screeching over the Black Eyed Peas right under my window all afternoon.

Feckin' Oprah.

Hey Duga

2009-09-01T13:09:00.001-05:00

If you are reading this, then please EMAIL ME. I tried to email you at the last address but it was returned undeliverable.

R

Is it just me...

2009-09-01T12:55:00.000-05:00

or is the biggest freakshow under the bigtop?

http://tv.yahoo.com/news/article/tv.accesshollywood.com/duggars-expecting-19th-child-20090901

Seems gross to me. Just sayin'.

It was a good day.

2009-08-27T23:07:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact that I spent most of the day sitting in a deposition, I ended up having a great birthday after all. I was so surprised at the number of calls, emails and other good wishes I got today - even from faraway friends - I am overwhelmed and grateful. Even the lost Ozzie popped in from the land of bourbon and hillbillies to say hi - how awesome is that? I love you guys, I surely do!

While I have not officially celebrated the day with the padres (we had cake on Sunday but presents had to wait due to my work obligations), I wanted to share two really cool pressies I got from friends at work. They are super awesome friends, and I totally like the presents too (bonus!). So first, check out this beautiful plant from Sergei:

It's a plant growing out of a lava rock! Plus check out the bloom - how cool is that? All you have to do is keep water in the rock tray and the rock absorbs the water as needed to feed the plant. Brilliant and beautiful (hmm... like me? ha!)

Next, my buddy Jessica totally hooked me up by making every day at work just like a day at the beach (my favourite place in the world) with this:

Look at the little shoes! And the umbrella! And the tiny shells! I lurve it! :-)

It was a good day, glad I managed to stick around for yet another year.

kissies, lady shark

I Be Old(er)

2009-08-26T23:49:00.000-05:00

yep yep, August 27 is one of my favourite days of the year due to my blazing narcissism. 41 years ago (or 42 if you're Chinese) my mom squeezed me out into this cold cruel world. don't mind me - I'm pissy 'cuz I'm stuck all day doing lawyer-type things instead of celebrating. booo!

Anyway, have a cupcake on me and if you're up to it tip a beer back in my honour:

More evidence of the crapworthiness of the VA

2009-08-24T16:34:00.000-05:00

Veterans Administration Under Scrutiny Over Abuses And $24 Million In Bonuses:

http://freeinternetpress.com/story.php?sid=22625

1,200 veterans wrongly told they got fatal disease

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090824/ap_on_re_us/us_disease_error_veterans

I can't say they're useless 'cuz when you have nothing, they're better than nothing. They are still completely craptastic, though. Feckin' VA.

I'm up to my dorsal fin in kelp!

2009-08-24T10:25:00.000-05:00

Hi ya'll. Thanks for the nudging and prodding and phone calls (KEL-LY) to get meself back here to the Shark Tank. When things aren't going so great at the home tank or the office tank, the ol' Shark Tank suffers the consequences.

Actually, I'm exaggerating a little bit. It's not that things aren't going well - they are - it's just I have a lot on my fishing pole these days and most of it resembles a tire, an old boot, and maybe a washed up corpse or two instead of a nice, juicy red snapper.

First - the roof. As you may remember, my feckin' roof needed to be fixed because the dumbdumbheads who built the house apparently didn't encourage all the subcontractors to talk to each other to discover the design flaw that caused the flashing problem right over my front door. Due to said problem I ended up having to buy a very expensive NEW front door and fix said problem to avoid shelling out more clams later on down the road. Fortunately for me, my pops knew someone who didn't try to screw me over the way the first roofing company that quoted me did (their quote was over 3 times higher than the others). Dude hooked me up and my ladder wasn't stolen or peed on (that I know of).

Second, the door. As mentioned above, I had to spend a minor fortune to get a new front door thanks to the damage caused by said feckin' roof. It was a beauty, too. I say it WAS a beauty, because not 3 days after installation, the paint started to peel away from the door. My house is back to looking like white trash headquarters just like it did before I got the damned door! Anyhoodle, after phone calls and visits and more phone calls, the door company is finally coming out tomorrow with a NEW new front door and a 'we promise this one isn't the big piece of crap we previously sent you' guarantee. We'll see.

Third, the refrigerator. It's only 6 or 7 years old but its motor fried to a crisp. Yep, that means the perpetual smell of rotten meat cannot be disappeared from the horrid thing. It must be replaced, so guess what I'm getting myself for Christmas? Right now I have a college-size fridge I borrowed from my bro and it lately has taken to freezing everything (EVERYTHING) in it. Damned thing has taken the label "ice box" waaaay too seriously.

Fourth, office tank. Busy, busy, busy. Can't tell you about any of it except that I'm tired and looking forward to certain matters being dispensed with. 'Course, then again plenty of matters make for an employed shark so I don't want to wish myself onto the bread line...

One good thing going on right now, though, is that I bought the new Wii Sports Resort with MotionPlus game and it is ROCKIN'. I love to play ping pong against the computer - you really feel like you're playing and nobody cares if you do it in your underwears. Maybe if I lose hundreds of pounds playing Wii I'll get a deal like that Jared Subway guy.

Anyway, I'm back and while I'm probably not very interesting to read at least you wasted five minutes of your life with me instead of working yourself into a lather over healthcare reform, cash for clunkers, or how in the hell a soy bean can possibly create milk!?

kissies, lady shark

My apologies...

2009-08-05T15:17:00.001-05:00

In yesterday's post, I berated Yahoo! for posting a photo of Lara Ling with a sandwich. Having now actually CLICKED on the photo to see it's full size, I now know that what I erroneously thought of as a sandwich is actually Ms. Ling's shirt.

Frankly, it still looks like a sandwich to me but I don't wish to offend. Therefore, I hereby extend my sincerest apologies to sandwiches (and shirts) everywhere for any harm I may have unintentionally caused.

The REAL Big Willy* is back on the scene

2009-08-04T16:42:00.000-05:00

Just the other day my mums and I happened to be talking about how Hillary must have a platinum pair of vicegrips with which she keeps a tight hold on Mr. Hillary's man-nuggets since we haven't seen much of him since she became U.S. Secretary of State. We were speculating that she might be keeping him in a cage, or perhaps chained up by the ceiling over the bed like Dabney Coleman's character in that movie 9 to 5 with Dolly, Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda.

Slick Willy must be just like Lord Voldemort, i.e. you say his name out loud and you conjuure him up. For those of you who aren't Bill Clinton fans (or Harry Potter fans for that matter), uh, sorry man - I had no idea I had such power.

Anyway, apparently Mr. Clinton pulled a Jimmy Carter and showed up in North Korea to wheel and deal for two imprisoned reporters much to the chagrin of pundits and many members of the US Diplomatic Corps. I can say this about ol' Bill - dude is NEVER far from the spotlight despite whatever is in Hillary's tool kit.

And this picture? It's not bad enough to be labeled as one of the numbnuts that got yourself caught by Dear Leader, but the whole world is seeing the one picture of you where you happen to be stuffing a sandwich in your face???

Oh, the humanity!

*Big Willy = Nickname for Sears Tower: Read about it HERE

Euphemisms remove the air in a vacuum-like fashion

2009-08-03T11:37:00.000-05:00

So anyone who knows me in person knows that I sometimes struggle with the English language (despite the fact that it IS indeed my native tongue). I particularly have trouble with idioms and euphemisms; go figure. I also have random weird thoughts if that contributes to an explanation of what I'm about to ask.

Enough "beating around the bush", dear reader. Here's my question:

When one has perhaps a touch of the, er, loose bowels shall we say, it is not uncommon after the fact to describe this as "sh*tting one's ears off."

Why the ears? Why not the nose or the eyebrows?

And is the expression "sh*t one's ears off" a euphemism or an idiom?

Help smart people! Help!

The Rising Cost of Healthcare

2009-07-28T13:04:00.001-05:00

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

Imagine...

2009-07-27T09:42:00.000-05:00

Can you even imagine the self-control it took for me not to force this sucker to the side of the road and take over his truck???

A tanker full of COFFEE - that has to be my dream come true!

Words I Like

2009-07-22T20:50:00.000-05:00

"save one's bacon"

Save one's neck or skin. Rescue one from a difficult situation or harm, as in, "I was having a hard time changing the flat tire but along came Bud, who saved my bacon," or "The boat capsized in icy waters, but the life preservers saved our skins." The allusion in the first term is no longer clear. It may simply be a comical way of referring to one's body or one's life. At the time it was first recorded, in 1654, bacon was a prized commodity, so perhaps saving one's bacon was tantamount to keeping something precious. Both variants allude to saving one's life, the one with skin dating from the early 1500s, and with neck, alluding to beheading, from the late 1600s.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of Idioms by Christine Ammer. Copyright © 2003, 1997 by The Christine Ammer 1992 Trust. Published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company. All rights reserved.

I have no reason for my fascination; it's just fun to say, I guess.

Dance Dance Shark-o-lution

2009-07-21T13:40:00.000-05:00

So you might remember that in the not-too-distant past I made an arse of myself at Wal-Mart. Click HERE to read about it if you missed it the first time. Shortly thereafter, I decided that I absolutely had to have a Nintendo Wii and boy am I glad I got one. I amuse myself with my own antics on a daily basis.

One of the cool games that I bought (ostensibly for the kids, but we all know the truth - don't judge) is Dance Dance Revolution - Hottest Party 2. Little rock & rolly dancey-type cartoonies be-bop around on the tv while you try to match their footsteps by stepping on a wired mat that is attached to the game system. You also have a controller in each hand so the game can tell if you are keeping the beat and shakin' your bootay along with the dance crew.

Anyhoodle, here's a video showing how DDR is SUPPOSED to be played (okay, okay, this kid is a 5 year old prodigy, but STILL):

Unfortunately, I'm not nearly as skilled as the tiny dancing tot above. In fact, Bill from "Carol and Bill" below is about the same skill level as me:

I'm just glad that when I was jumping up and down I didn't put a hole through the floor and land in the basement. And for the record, it's pretty clear that my brain has definitely lost some of its plasticity!

And just for fun, here's another kid playing DDR and while he's cute take a glance at his baby brother in the blue pj's - too hilarious!

I'm baaack...

2009-07-20T11:58:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm back from my vacation. I stayed home for vacay for the first time EVER (I usually don't because past employers have taken that as an invitation to make me keep working and not pay me for it). My boss is utterly fab, though, and she made sure I went undisturbed. Bless her!!

I have lots of tales to tell, but I'm at the office right now so I'll have to bring you up to date later tonight. I'll leave you with photos of my visit to the Skydeck Ledge at the Sears Tower (as it was known last Monday but is now known as the Willis Tower aka the Big Willy).

Here's my tootsie as we look down down down to my beautiful city below:

And here are the yahoos on the other balcony doing the same crazy 'take a picture' dance that I am:

PS Click on each photo for the full effect...

Fecking Roof

2009-07-09T11:15:00.000-05:00

yeah, Billy's problems have migrated south.

What the heck is flashing? Why the H is it important?

Let me tell you why. If the effing builder who builds your house neglects to put flashing above your FRONT DOOR then all the water from rain, snow and other forms of precipitation floods down into the inside of the WALLS and the FLOORS and it rots the WOOD.

You know how I know this? Because my new very expensive pretty door is being installed right now and in the process of ripping out the old one they discovered this homeowner nightmare.

Fecking roof and fecking builder!!!

GRRRR...

PS The door sure looks pretty though!

Quote of the Day

2009-07-08T10:54:00.001-05:00

"With your level of ignorance, it is obvious that you dwell in the theological place of eternal punishment."

hahaha!!!

I'm gonna have to remember that for the next time I need to insult someone...

Goodbye Michael

2009-07-07T15:01:00.000-05:00

I refuse to believe that any human being is all bad. No matter what you think about Michael Jackson and his questionable behaviour (to say the least), the fact remains that he was incredibly generous with his money and used his talents to raise awareness and money for those less fortunate (e.g. "We are the World"). The fact remains that millions of us who grew up in the MTV era forgot all about race - we didn't care what colour Michael was - we just wanted to dance like him, sing like him, BE him! (I confess, I soooo did!)

Do we really live in a society where there is no opportunity for redemption? I hope not otherwise I am in serious trouble.

From "The Man in the Mirror"

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways, yeah
No message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make the change
You gotta get it right, while you got the time
'Cause when you close your heart
Then you close your mind

Anyway, rest in peace Michael. Blessings and condolences to your children and your loved ones who so clearly loved you right back.

yay!!!

2009-07-06T16:18:00.001-05:00

from what I understand, they are almost done! yay!!!

Pictorial Status Update

2009-07-06T12:35:00.000-05:00

Yep, it's one of THOSE Mondays.

Too Funny Not to Share

2009-07-02T11:42:00.001-05:00

For a good little giggle, check THIS out.

Words I Hate

2009-07-02T10:57:00.000-05:00

Be not fooled that I am in a foul mood, for I decided to dust off the zippy car today for the summer season...I am a gleeful shark. Nonetheless, I just happened to come across the following for the umpteenth time which reminded me how much I detest this phrase:

THOUGHT LEADERSHIP
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Thought leader is a buzzword or article of jargon used to describe a futurist or person who is recognized among peers and mentors for innovative ideas and demonstrates the confidence to promote or share those ideas as actionable distilled insights (thinklets)."

Ergo, thought leadership is having innovative ideas and demonstrating the confidence to promote or share those ideas as distilled insights, right? I'm guessing because there is no actual definition in the traditional sense of the word that I can find for this crap word.

I've got some innovative ideas on what to do with folks who use the phrase "thought leadership..."

and THINKLETS?? I definitely envision that little nugget appearing in a future post of "Words I Hate"!

This creeps me out

2009-07-01T11:32:00.000-05:00

Maybe if I knew there was a freaky little imp waiting under my dinner to give me a creepy smile after I cleaned my plate I might think twice about eating. Hmmm... could I have possibly discovered a new weight loss tactic to try?

Natural Trauma

2009-07-01T09:30:00.000-05:00

So I can be a fairly rough and tumble kind of girl - I am a Navy veteran, after all. I don't mind getting dirty, I can withstand nearly any odor (well, vomit kind of gets to me but other than that), and me and Mother Nature are tight. For goodness sake, I sometimes eat fish for breakfist - I have an iron constitution!

Or so I thought.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I went camping last week in Ludington, Michigan. To be more accurate, I 'camped' at the Best Western the first night (don't judge - they have a water slide and a hot tub - if an RV is 'camping' then so is the Best Western!). Then I moved over to the state park where I set up my tent and communed with the Great Outdoors. Speaking of the Great Outdoors, the pairing of Ackroyd and Candy in that movie is priceless! I will never look at a hot dog the same way again...

But I digress.

So Ludington State Park is this really beautiful place on the northwestern shore of Michigan's lower penninsula. There are trails and sand dunes and boating and (wait for it) fishing. I have never been too interested in fishing - but the kids begged thier mom and dad to go so I tagged along for kicks. Plus, I heard that there is a lot of sitting involved, and I'm really really good at that.

We hoofed over to an idyllic spot where families happily cast their lines into the water and big fishies were jumping right off the surface in daring acrobatic manoeuvers. In fact, here's a picture of that precise idyllic spot:

Each of the older kids had a rod and reel; the girls (ages 13 & 10) with regular poles and Jack (age 7) with this awesome yellow & orange plastic Scooby Doo-themed kid-sized contraption with the push-button casting reel that cost like $1.50 at Wal-Mart. Within seconds of arrival, my S-i-L sent the bro back to the campsite for the forgotten sunscreen and moments thereafter, my 3 y.o. niece chimed in with, "Mommy, I have to go potty!"

That left me with a foam box full of worm poop and baby nightcrawlers and 3 kids looking up at me expectantly. My face said (at least I hope), "Sure honey, I'll be happy to bait the hook for you" and "Don't worry, worms don't have the same nerve endings or feel pain the way we humans do". Meanwhile, inside my head was a prolonged silent scream of utter disgust and horror keeping rhythm to one long prayer that my pronouncement about the nightcrawler's nervous system was even remotely true. I can come through in a pinch, though, so I pinched one of those nasty little suckers in half and skewered its writhing phallic body onto that hook like my life depended on it.

Delighted, the children ran to cast their lines and fish their little hearts out. I returned to sitting and enjoying the idyllic location. I survived fishing! Yay!

Wait - what's that? Happy shouts of joy from the middle one? My actual voice saying, "Wow! Congrats!" while my inner voice ran an ongoing monologue of "You caught a WHAT? Oh crap - where's an adult? Any adult? David? Amanda? Crap, neither is back. How the hell long does it take to find freakin' SUNSCREEN!!?? Dammit - couldn't you have just let the little one pee in her pants!!!??? Couldn't that stupid fish have waited five more minutes to bite!?"

Now how can a big scary shark like me be afraid of a tiny little perch flopping on the end of a string with a facefull of metal hook, you ask? When's the last time you held one of the slimy little suckers on your fin? EW EW EW!!

I confess that I squealed like a little girl this time and the kids thought my performance was Grade A hilarious. I got so worked up that I dropped the fish on the dock and had to pick the poor thing up AGAIN to throw him back. I am almost certain that if I ever go back to Ludington there will be an army of angry perch and nightcrawler relatives waiting for me to dip one little dorsal in that damned river.

The whole experience taught me that I am definitely a 'city' shark, but while I was down, I was not defeated. I promptly highjacked Jack's Scooby-Doo pole after he decided to make an old-fashioned one with a tree branch. I didn't even get a nibble; I guess my bad reputation spread fast under the surface. I still enjoyed the sitting, though.

I'm baaaaack...

2009-06-29T08:54:00.000-05:00

Gotta get caught up on worky-work this morning, but I survived my weekend adventure. Despite the widely-accepted belief that I was glued to the massive tv, I was actually camping *gasp* and fishing *super gasp* and hiking *oh my!* Sorry I couldn't tell you in advance, but since I announced to the world via the Shark Tank that I bought a giant tv, I didn't want to say to the unsavoury element, "hey folks, I'm not home so come rob me!"

Anyhoo, I'm back now and while tired and slightly traumatized from fishing (I'll splain later) I'm no real worse for the wear... :-)

Time Out

2009-06-24T13:07:00.001-05:00

Literally. I have a matter that will occupy my entire existence for the next two days. Unfortunately, that will preclude any posting here in the Shark Tank.

I'll be back on Saturday, though, so come back then!

xoxo lady shark

Housekeeping in the Shark Tank

2009-06-23T09:42:00.000-05:00

Now THIS is the way to do the dishes:

I'm inviting these dudes over to my house this weekend to finish up from the Big Dig.

Pictorial Status Update

2009-06-23T09:12:00.001-05:00

.
Yes, that's Baby Drowsy - one of my few and favourite baby dolls. Her eyes are perpetually droopy and when you lay her down to sleep her eyes close all the way.

I was never one much for baby dolls when I was a wee tot, but I did love my Baby Drowsy and my Mrs. Beasley. I was more for my stuffed panda named Ming Ming or any other fantasmagorical plush creature. Regardless, I'm so sleepy right now I sure wish any one of them were here for me to snuggle up to for nap time under my desk...

The new phone book's here!

2009-06-22T11:02:00.001-05:00

Yeah, okay, not really. But I just can't resist the opportunity to quote from one of my favorite films:

That just gave me a great idea - I'll have to get NetFlix or something like that so I can rent "The Jerk". Why now, you ask? Because lookey-loo what showed up on my wall this weekend:

So who's coming over to watch with me? I'll supply the popcorn if you bring the beer...

2009-06-22T09:19:00.000-05:00

If I had known the AP was going to 'out' us like this, I certainly wouldn't have told you how much I enjoy watching Dexter.

Read the whole story HERE.

More Home Improvement!

2009-06-19T12:02:00.000-05:00

Actually, the only improving going on at my house this weekend is the hanging of the television. Yay!! That and more cleaning...you would think it was Chinese New Year at my house (perhaps I had better check the basement to see if a giant turtle and pitbull are hiding down there to get out of doing chores).

Tomorrow I start my first acting class - although a friend told me this morning that I'm such a natural drama queen he's not so sure I actually need a class. hehe There may be something to that...

After class, I'm shopping for living room furniture. Most importante for me is finding the perfect recliner - anybody have any suggestions? When I land my fat dorsal fin at the home tank after a long long day at the office tank I want to plop down into the best chair ever and turn on the tube. Need your feedback here, dear reader, so don't let me down!

On Sunday, the Geeks from Best Buy are coming to hang my new television on the wall!! Although this word will probably end up in a 'Words I Hate' post someday, I am feeling totally STOKED. Once the tube is hung then I can put together and hang my new IKEA shelves. Whoopie!

Speaking of IKEA, here's the unit I bought (doodle courtesy of yours truly while bored out of my mind in the senior management meeting yesterday):

My pretty wall!!

2009-06-18T12:01:00.001-05:00

It's so hard to really see the colour here, but we used Behr Premium Plus Ultra (Interior Flat) which is a new product that incorporates paint and primer into one. The colour is "Hint of Violet". I lurve lurve lurve it!!

Thanks David Ape for painting my wall so pretty!

I definitely need the saltpeter now that I have TV

2009-06-18T09:04:00.000-05:00

wow. I've only had real television since Saturday (lessee...that's 4.5 full days) and look at all the new men in my life!

There's Agents Gibbs and DiNozzo (LOVE them!!)

Navy crimefighting has never been so, er, interesting! ;-)

Then there's Drs. House and Wilson (what a bromance):

How warped am I that Dr. House's charm to me is that he is an absolute ass??

And let's not forget crusader for the most vulnerable - Det. Elliot Stabler from SVU:

Such a Hottie McHot Hot - ESPECIALLY when he's shirtless, enraged and beating the hell out of his locker because a dirtbag criminal goes free.

And finally, my dirty little secret: Dexter

So so sick on so many levels - reddish hair is not typically my type; he's a geek instead of a dysfunctional cop, arrogant doctor or any other type of general badass, and oh yeah, did I mention he's a SERIAL KILLER?

I seriously have a problem with watching TV procedurals, you guys. I'll probably just explode when it's Shark Week...

I heart my freshly painted living room!!

2009-06-17T22:43:00.000-05:00

It's so purdy!

I'm so tired though from working non-stop. More tomorrow...

xoxo lady shark

Words I Hate

2009-06-15T08:18:00.001-05:00

PING
noun
A sharp, high-pitched sound, as that made by a bullet striking metal. See knock.
intr.v.
pinged , ping·ing , pings
To make a sharp, high-pitched, metallic sound.

Source Houghton Mifflin via Yahoo!

I happen to work for a company that is heavily involved in information technology. That means an significant number of geeks and project managers roam wildly through the cubicle forest at any given moment. I know this because sometimes they travel in herds past my office door on their way to unnecessary meetings.

For the most part these creatures are harmless. Harmless in the way a rooster crowing at the buttcrack of dawn is harmless. In other words, a rooster won't peck your eyes out unless you provoke him but he'll drive you right up the feckin' wall with the o-dark thirty ritual that only he and other morning deities can understand.

Since nobody but me probably knows what the hell I'm talking about, here it is in a nutshell. Do not - I REPEAT DO NOT - 'ping' me to see if I have finished your project. 'Pinging' on the part of geeks and project managers is their attempt to assimilate the language computers use to communicate with each other into human behaviour. When a user of one computer wants to see if another computer is functioning, the user has the computer send out a high-pitched "ping" to the other computer. If the receiving computer is working it "pings" back.

This morning at 5:30 a.m. I looked at my crackberry (shut up) to discover an email message with the subject line "Gentle Ping". This person apparently is sending me an annoyingly high pitched signal to see if I am finished reviewing documents that were delivered to me at the 11th hour. Unfortunately, I'll probably have 2 or 3 other a-holes 'ping' me today too because they know I'm taking the day off tomorrow for the Swedes to deliver the bookcases and a friend is coming over to paint the living room.

Guess what dorks, I am NOT a computer. 'Ping' me and instead of 'pinging' you back I may just toss you the fin.

Update: Apparently, at least according to a geek friend of mine, there is no actual high-pitched signal sent when one computer is checking to see if another computer is functioning. There is just a packet of commands sent from one computer to the other and back - and it's completely silent.

This just makes pinging that much more annoying.

The Big Dig

2009-06-13T08:16:00.001-05:00

I'm cleaning house today. Not scrubbing and mopping - CLEANING as in going through things I haven't looked at in the last five years and sorting them in three piles: keep, keep to sell in garage sale, trash. Trust me, that backhoe up in the picture isn't enough to do this job.

The new tv is here!!

2009-06-13T08:08:00.000-05:00

Oh, did I tell you I bought a new tv?

Hey guys! I bought a new TV!!! It's one of those flat panel hang on your wall jobs-I am VERY excited! Maybe you can tell from all the exclamation points!!?? An added bonus - the guys that delivered it are the ones who will install it next week and let's just say hottie mc hot hot!! (Hey Kelly - if you're free next Sunday come on over and ogle with me)

Now the DirecTV guy is here (he's on the roof right now). While he isn't as raw hot as the tv installer guys, there is still something sexy about a man doing honest work with his hands.

Jeebus, listen to me! Maybe I had better put a spoonful of saltpeter in my coffee this morning...

Word of the Day

2009-06-12T17:37:00.000-05:00

Meh

A universal, non-commital answer to every question ever posed. Its the answer that deosn't actually give any answer.

Examples
"So, you wanna do something tonight?" "Meh"
"Done anything good this week?" "Meh"
"How was it?" "Meh"

'Meh' is also used in The Simpsons, Episode: Hungry, Hungry Homer:
[Homer]: Kids, how would you like to go... to Blockoland!
[Bart & Lisa]: Meh.
[Homer]: But the TV. gave the impression that--
[Bart]: We said "meh".
[Lisa]: M-E-H. Meh.

Pictorial Status Update

2009-06-12T11:55:00.000-05:00

I took the plunge.

2009-06-10T11:41:00.000-05:00

I ordered DirecTV. Oh. My. God.

I have not had any kind of cable/sat tv service since 1992. Yep - 17 years ago. I have been leeching off of friends and hotel rooms to get that cable fix (aka fix for my Law & Order rerun addiction). I have been terrified that if I started actually having a clear picture with more than 2 channels I would turn into this:

Yep. That's me totally mesmerized by television drinking a brew while wrapped in my Snuggie. That's gonna attract a man fer sure.

Pray for me. Barring that, let me know what shows are good to watch. :-)